Laying in bed

Why can't I be present? It's driving me nuts. All I can think about is that I'm leaving in a few days and I'm just not ready to do that. He's laying next to me right now, off in dreamland or something... And my mind is whirring. A million miles a second. This sucks. I can't think of anything else to say. This sucks this sucks this sucks.

C.

My time in Ohio is closing...

So, I've been in Ohio this entire month to be with my boyfriend. About two days ago it suddenly and overwhelmingly struck me that I'm leaving next week to go back to my life. I miss my furry boys and I miss my friends and parents... But I cried myself to sleep last night. I started before he was asleep and did my best to sound ok and suck it up until he started breathing deeply. And then I cried until I was asleep. I knew that coming here for a long time was going to mean that leaving would rip a hole through me, but I thought I'd be anxious for autonomy again. I'm not. This guy gets under my clothes, under my skin and into my veins. I absolutely adore him. Is it strange to say I look up to him in many ways? Truth.

I've managed to lose almost 4 pounds this month, maintaining my online Weight Watchers lifestyle... This is something I haven't reflected on or given myself credit for--staying the course, although moving a bit slower than at home with my own kitchen and routine, has actually been possible. I should be proud of this. I am proud of this. And my baby has been so wonderful about my food stuff; so mindful without alienating me; so loving and encouraging.

Writing about leaving is hurting my heart. I think I'll sign off for now.

C.

I can't believe my last post was a year ago. Reading it made my heart ache for a moment, because I see that I just let myself "go through the motions" without checking in with me from time to time... So easily. And here I am, writing a year later--almost. I'm in a much better place now than I was last year at this time, so in this way the time passed seems to serve as a looking glass. I'm healthier, in love again and on a month-long staycation in Ohio at my boyfriend's place. If someone had told me I'd be in this place, I may have given myself more grace last summer.

I'm thinking that I want to move forward with this blog differently than how I first began it. I began this blog as simply a weight-loss and fitness blog (and we can see how successfully that went...). The thing is, I just want to heal and grow my spirit. So, that means sometimes my energy needs to go to my weight-loss, sometimes to my thoughts, my musings, my relationship, family, work, school, career path..! I am more than one-dimentional and I recognize that focusing too much on one area of my life has grown to be quite the downfall of mine.

I am 26 years old, three months from 27.
I am 178 lbs and I'm working toward a healthy 145.
I am a mother to three beautiful furry boys: Jay, Cuse, and Stevie.
I am an older sister,
an oldest daughter,
a college student,
a best friend,
a bartender,
an ex-fiance,
a new girlfriend,
a veteran,
a Libra,
a Moderate/Conservative-Liberal,
a Minnesotan--
I'm just a girl on a journey for blanace.

C.

Sad.

It's interesting--almost every time I've posted on here in the past year has been to say "wow, I haven't posted on here in a while."

I feel like I've been going through a Season of Change for the past 15 months. Steve left me more than a year ago, we got back together last winter... he emotionally bailed again on this past Spring... I've just been on a roller coaster and I've been forced to learn how to stand up for what I deserve and desire. It's really been something.

Anyway, I'm at this crossroads again--looking at that woman in the mirror and not seeing her for what I feel like inside. I want to match. I want my insides and outsides to match, if that makes sense. I simply haven't taken care of me physically with as much zeal as I've had for my heart. Somewhere along the way, between bracing for whatever it was coming to me that I was sensing with Steve, him leaving, coming back, leaving, coming back... I just didn't have the energy or the heart to take care of my body. I miss being proud of my legs and tummy... I deserve to be again.

The past couple months, I've been picking myself back up again and steadying myself... I think I'm ready to hit the trails again. I've hired a personal trainer. I'm ready.

Ciao.

C

Clean eating...

It's amazing how connected we are to food... Check out this site, she's quite a lady promoting a personal reason she's chosen to Eat Clean!

http://cleancuisineandmore.com

Ciao!

C.

Sigh.

I'm not sure why I have a hard time keeping up with this blog. Probably because my organizational weakness + my tendency not to take care of me = neglecting this sight.

I haven't yet taken measurements, and it's because I'm currently experiencing overwhelming changes in thought about "dieting." I don't want to feed my anorexia monster by allowing her the opportunity to obsess. So, I'm holding off on the measurements for the time being--because I obsess over numbers (like weight). I've committed to Steven not to step on the scale any more that once a week, and the verbal commitment has helped thwart off obsessive behaviors of mine.

I'm currently (slowly) reading Intuitive Eating, and proceeding with caution. This book debunks every approach to being healthy I've ever taken and it's testing my commander compulsions... which I think might be good for me.

One choice I made recently was to create a forum (on FB), where I can channel my "love of food" and journey toward health. The page is called Heart Food--which means food healthy for my heart, physically and emotionally. I've finally acknowledged that my relationship with food has been unhealthy for way too long, and this re-channeling of enery, and helping others while I help myself, will be therapeutic for me. :)

Ciao.

C.

Refreshed

Dear me,

I had the most incredible weekend. I don't even know what to say about it, but this whole Pathways thing has revived me. Yesterday and the day before, I went to Pathways' optional, separate-from-the-core-training spiritual weekend, Step Beyond... So I've now graduated from the program, I'm sponsoring and watching Steven discover the man I always wished for him to embrace... and now, after this weekend, I feel like I am finally comfortable with where I'm at spiritually. Comfortable enough to move forward without confinement. I prayed with someone, for the first time that I can remember feeling it with so much of myself, I prayed. This means so much to me, because I've never felt the freedom to do that, the way I did this weekend. My life has just been such a whirlwind these past handful of months, and I feel like everything in it was building and setting me up for the exact moments I've been having since I saved myself through this program.

"I am a lovable, free, clean woman who trusts God with every little bit." ~my contract and covenant.

I... I think I'm ready to rely on God for the struggles I have had with my eating and health. I've accomplished ordering and receiving a new scale. I will weigh myself in the morning, measure myself and record, and begin my 10 days of 7am-8pm only eating. I have yet to do an OA meeting... I committed to a sleepover with Amanda on Wednesday, which is the day I want to attend an OA meeting, so I will either pick a different day, or begin that next week. I want to start building this habit, but I need to acknowledge I can't do this alone. Tomorrow, I intend to journal a prayer to God about needing him for the strength tomorrow. Little bits; I have to start trusting Him with my little bits.

Love.

C.