Sad.

It's interesting--almost every time I've posted on here in the past year has been to say "wow, I haven't posted on here in a while."

I feel like I've been going through a Season of Change for the past 15 months. Steve left me more than a year ago, we got back together last winter... he emotionally bailed again on this past Spring... I've just been on a roller coaster and I've been forced to learn how to stand up for what I deserve and desire. It's really been something.

Anyway, I'm at this crossroads again--looking at that woman in the mirror and not seeing her for what I feel like inside. I want to match. I want my insides and outsides to match, if that makes sense. I simply haven't taken care of me physically with as much zeal as I've had for my heart. Somewhere along the way, between bracing for whatever it was coming to me that I was sensing with Steve, him leaving, coming back, leaving, coming back... I just didn't have the energy or the heart to take care of my body. I miss being proud of my legs and tummy... I deserve to be again.

The past couple months, I've been picking myself back up again and steadying myself... I think I'm ready to hit the trails again. I've hired a personal trainer. I'm ready.

Ciao.

C

Clean eating...

It's amazing how connected we are to food... Check out this site, she's quite a lady promoting a personal reason she's chosen to Eat Clean!

http://cleancuisineandmore.com

Ciao!

C.

Sigh.

I'm not sure why I have a hard time keeping up with this blog. Probably because my organizational weakness + my tendency not to take care of me = neglecting this sight.

I haven't yet taken measurements, and it's because I'm currently experiencing overwhelming changes in thought about "dieting." I don't want to feed my anorexia monster by allowing her the opportunity to obsess. So, I'm holding off on the measurements for the time being--because I obsess over numbers (like weight). I've committed to Steven not to step on the scale any more that once a week, and the verbal commitment has helped thwart off obsessive behaviors of mine.

I'm currently (slowly) reading Intuitive Eating, and proceeding with caution. This book debunks every approach to being healthy I've ever taken and it's testing my commander compulsions... which I think might be good for me.

One choice I made recently was to create a forum (on FB), where I can channel my "love of food" and journey toward health. The page is called Heart Food--which means food healthy for my heart, physically and emotionally. I've finally acknowledged that my relationship with food has been unhealthy for way too long, and this re-channeling of enery, and helping others while I help myself, will be therapeutic for me. :)

Ciao.

C.

Refreshed

Dear me,

I had the most incredible weekend. I don't even know what to say about it, but this whole Pathways thing has revived me. Yesterday and the day before, I went to Pathways' optional, separate-from-the-core-training spiritual weekend, Step Beyond... So I've now graduated from the program, I'm sponsoring and watching Steven discover the man I always wished for him to embrace... and now, after this weekend, I feel like I am finally comfortable with where I'm at spiritually. Comfortable enough to move forward without confinement. I prayed with someone, for the first time that I can remember feeling it with so much of myself, I prayed. This means so much to me, because I've never felt the freedom to do that, the way I did this weekend. My life has just been such a whirlwind these past handful of months, and I feel like everything in it was building and setting me up for the exact moments I've been having since I saved myself through this program.

"I am a lovable, free, clean woman who trusts God with every little bit." ~my contract and covenant.

I... I think I'm ready to rely on God for the struggles I have had with my eating and health. I've accomplished ordering and receiving a new scale. I will weigh myself in the morning, measure myself and record, and begin my 10 days of 7am-8pm only eating. I have yet to do an OA meeting... I committed to a sleepover with Amanda on Wednesday, which is the day I want to attend an OA meeting, so I will either pick a different day, or begin that next week. I want to start building this habit, but I need to acknowledge I can't do this alone. Tomorrow, I intend to journal a prayer to God about needing him for the strength tomorrow. Little bits; I have to start trusting Him with my little bits.

Love.

C.

Sunday night

Hello. Not sure what to write right now. I haven't bought a scale yet. I was trying to find $25 of stuff on Amazon.com so I can get free shipping, but I was at a road block in my mind. But, now I have a few small Christmas ideas for people I love, so I'll go on there again. You know what? I'll stop writing right now, and order it...

And ORDERED!!

So, I've begun posting pictures of fit women inside my cupboards, but they aren't all covered. And, I just ordered my scale. I'm getting there. I ate past 8pm tonight... I'm really letting tapes in my mind overpower my judgment. I even looked at the clock before making food and thought "oh well, I'll do it tomorrow." Maybe I should frame a sign that reads "do it today..." Ok, that's on my list. I need to do that and hang it in my kitchen.

C.

Starting anew

Dear Self,

It's been so long. I know I've said this before, but there was so much going on in my life, emotionally, I just fell apart. I've been healing myself from the inside, finally, and I'm not sure... but I'd like to start again. So, hello, Blog. It's been awhile and I've missed you. More importantly, I've missed my health. I've been working so hard, for months now, on getting to know my heart and I feel more alive than I've ever been. But, one of the things that saddens me to my core is the lack of care I've spent on my health and my body. I am an outward reflection of how I care for myself... and now, for the first time, I feel like my body and my heart don't match. I don't look like I feel lovable or beautiful... I look like I gave in and gave up on me. But I don't want to look like that anymore, because I finally care about Candi. I'm struggling, yes. This is a habit I've built over decades... But I have a willing spirit; I just need to keep my willing spirit in the driver's seat now, not my inner dumbass.

I'm starting by buying a new scale. The one I've had for a few years has finally died. Well, it spits out weights like "152." Hell, if I was 152 again, this post would sound MUCH more joyful. I don't think I want a digital one... seems like their lives are awfully short. I'm looking on Amazon.com right now. Hmmm... Another thing I'd like is a weight rack. I have all these weights, but they're just in a pile on the floor. Hmm... Ok, here's the plan, I will reward myself with a small gift (yoga/running pants or weight rack for my dumbbells) whenI have completed this [entire] short list of tasks:

1. Purchase new scale. Report purchase on this blog.
2. Measure dimensions and record on here.
3. Once I receive the new scale, record "new" starting weight.
4. Attend an OA meeting. Report attendence on here.
5. For each evening I eat only between the hours of 7am-8:30pm, I earn a "bean" in my "health jar." Goal: 10 days/beans; report on this blog. Once reached, begin new goal.
6. Hang pictures of in-shape women on the insides of my cabinets.

I think this is a good starter list. I get a reward once I finish it, so that's good. Really good. Better than sheer willpower alone.

Love.
C.

Full

Here I am! I meant to write sooner than now. I've been eating (almost exclusively) Simply Fit Meals for a few weeks now. I'm noticing differences that are encouraging. First of all, I weigh 172.8. What did I start at? That's 12 lbs since I began this blog. That's about 14.5 lbs since a few weeks before I started this. So that's good; and it's been a good and healthy pace too - which is super important to me. Little things I'm noticing are things like: my pants aren't as snug, my rings slide more easily off my fingers (instead of being stuck in place like they used to be), and a couple people have commented on my changing size.

Today was the first time I felt like I really struggled with my Simply Fit Meals. I just didn't have an appetite this morning; I didn't finish all of my breakfast, but I decided to have my glass of milk too. I ate my whole lunch (love the pita sandwich). Then, when I got home (a bit early today: 430pm), I have some hummus and veggies for a snack. Then I decided I still wanted food, so I ate the chicken kabob and quinoa meal. WTF! Way too much food at one sitting. The good thing is that I didn't eat more than I am supposed to each day... but I did have another glass of skim milk. So I'm probably about 130 calories over. I'll even it out tomorrow...

Well, I'm going to sign off now. I have lots to do before tomorrow.

Xo!
Candi