Starting anew

Dear Self,

It's been so long. I know I've said this before, but there was so much going on in my life, emotionally, I just fell apart. I've been healing myself from the inside, finally, and I'm not sure... but I'd like to start again. So, hello, Blog. It's been awhile and I've missed you. More importantly, I've missed my health. I've been working so hard, for months now, on getting to know my heart and I feel more alive than I've ever been. But, one of the things that saddens me to my core is the lack of care I've spent on my health and my body. I am an outward reflection of how I care for myself... and now, for the first time, I feel like my body and my heart don't match. I don't look like I feel lovable or beautiful... I look like I gave in and gave up on me. But I don't want to look like that anymore, because I finally care about Candi. I'm struggling, yes. This is a habit I've built over decades... But I have a willing spirit; I just need to keep my willing spirit in the driver's seat now, not my inner dumbass.

I'm starting by buying a new scale. The one I've had for a few years has finally died. Well, it spits out weights like "152." Hell, if I was 152 again, this post would sound MUCH more joyful. I don't think I want a digital one... seems like their lives are awfully short. I'm looking on Amazon.com right now. Hmmm... Another thing I'd like is a weight rack. I have all these weights, but they're just in a pile on the floor. Hmm... Ok, here's the plan, I will reward myself with a small gift (yoga/running pants or weight rack for my dumbbells) whenI have completed this [entire] short list of tasks:

1. Purchase new scale. Report purchase on this blog.
2. Measure dimensions and record on here.
3. Once I receive the new scale, record "new" starting weight.
4. Attend an OA meeting. Report attendence on here.
5. For each evening I eat only between the hours of 7am-8:30pm, I earn a "bean" in my "health jar." Goal: 10 days/beans; report on this blog. Once reached, begin new goal.
6. Hang pictures of in-shape women on the insides of my cabinets.

I think this is a good starter list. I get a reward once I finish it, so that's good. Really good. Better than sheer willpower alone.

Love.
C.