...my pursuit of a better me...

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Laying in bed

Why can't I be present? It's driving me nuts. All I can think about is that I'm leaving in a few days and I'm just not ready to do that. He's laying next to me right now, off in dreamland or something... And my mind is whirring. A million miles a second. This sucks. I can't think of anything else to say. This sucks this sucks this sucks.


Friday, July 27, 2012

My time in Ohio is closing...

So, I've been in Ohio this entire month to be with my boyfriend. About two days ago it suddenly and overwhelmingly struck me that I'm leaving next week to go back to my life. I miss my furry boys and I miss my friends and parents... But I cried myself to sleep last night. I started before he was asleep and did my best to sound ok and suck it up until he started breathing deeply. And then I cried until I was asleep. I knew that coming here for a long time was going to mean that leaving would rip a hole through me, but I thought I'd be anxious for autonomy again. I'm not. This guy gets under my clothes, under my skin and into my veins. I absolutely adore him. Is it strange to say I look up to him in many ways? Truth.

I've managed to lose almost 4 pounds this month, maintaining my online Weight Watchers lifestyle... This is something I haven't reflected on or given myself credit for--staying the course, although moving a bit slower than at home with my own kitchen and routine, has actually been possible. I should be proud of this. I am proud of this. And my baby has been so wonderful about my food stuff; so mindful without alienating me; so loving and encouraging.

Writing about leaving is hurting my heart. I think I'll sign off for now.


Monday, July 16, 2012

I can't believe my last post was a year ago. Reading it made my heart ache for a moment, because I see that I just let myself "go through the motions" without checking in with me from time to time... So easily. And here I am, writing a year later--almost. I'm in a much better place now than I was last year at this time, so in this way the time passed seems to serve as a looking glass. I'm healthier, in love again and on a month-long staycation in Ohio at my boyfriend's place. If someone had told me I'd be in this place, I may have given myself more grace last summer.

I'm thinking that I want to move forward with this blog differently than how I first began it. I began this blog as simply a weight-loss and fitness blog (and we can see how successfully that went...). The thing is, I just want to heal and grow my spirit. So, that means sometimes my energy needs to go to my weight-loss, sometimes to my thoughts, my musings, my relationship, family, work, school, career path..! I am more than one-dimentional and I recognize that focusing too much on one area of my life has grown to be quite the downfall of mine.

I am 26 years old, three months from 27.
I am 178 lbs and I'm working toward a healthy 145.
I am a mother to three beautiful furry boys: Jay, Cuse, and Stevie.
I am an older sister,
an oldest daughter,
a college student,
a best friend,
a bartender,
an ex-fiance,
a new girlfriend,
a veteran,
a Libra,
a Moderate/Conservative-Liberal,
a Minnesotan--
I'm just a girl on a journey for blanace.